How to Talk to Your Dog About Sex

That fuckin’ book everyone’s talking about.

Elevator: A 150-page apology to your dog Buddy, for fucking in front of the poor old bastard–he hates that.

How to Talk to Your Dog About Sex
How to Talk to Your Dog About Sex

Do you have a dog? Have you had sex?

Then your dog has DOOFUS (Dogs Oversensitive to Owners Fucking Unabashedly Syndrome).

For the love of dog, please, we’re begging you, read this book. How to Talk to Your Dog About Sex is the first book to address the little-known, oft-misunderstood and [some other foreboding hyphenated modifier] DOOFUS crisis. What was that? You would describe your fucking as slightly abashed, reticent even? Further proof that you need this book says renowned canine psychologist and graduate of the Phoenix School of Bullshit I Supposedly Learned Online, Dr. Rene Saint Germaine: “Yep, you should probably by this fuckin’ book.”

Speaking of fucking, have you been fucking unabashedly or otherwise? Check your dog for the following perilous signs of DOOFUS: Does Buddy look at you in that “I could use another treat” way? Does Princess only sit reluctantly, on the third or fourth command? Does Bailey still chase his tail before crapping? If you answered yes, no, sometimes or “what the fuck business is it of yours?” then we hate to break it to you, but your beloved pet has DOOFUS, a debilitating, godawful syndrome and it’s all because you had sex within eye or earshot of your best friend. Thank god there’s a top-secret cure.

Heat & Stir, that same couple who brought you Total Mindfu*k, a Fast and Filthy Guide to Sexual Roleplaying, now delivers a patented process tailored to relieve your cherished best friend from the ravages of DOOFUS. Combining proven animal behavioral science, bleeding edge dog psychology and that scintillating, top-secret cure, Heat & Stir will teach you to inoculate your stricken dogs from further suffering. It’s complicated and sciencey, and probably makes no fucking sense whatsoever, but like all Heat & Stir creations it’s passionate, fast-paced, sexually-supercharged and funny-as-fuck.

About the Author: Frank R. Larkin is an unapologetic feminist and an ardent advocate for shame-free, consensual sex. A survivor of sex abuse perpetrated by a predator-pediatrician in Omaha, Frank believes that the coached sexual shame we’re subjected to as children not only protects abusers and the institutions who foster them, but plays far too significant a role in the lives of millions of sexually dissatisfied men and women. Through his frank, sexual writing, F.R. Larkin hopes to lessen the stigma around sex between consenting adults, lifting the burden of lifetime shame from those victimized by sexual abuse and turning this generations-old weapon on those egregious predators that have benefitted from it for far too long.

Formerly published as Angry Frank, a sex advice columnist for Playgirl, F.R. Larkin was stricken with an excruciating chronic pain condition which he claims robbed the world of his singular voice for far too long–like way longer than that fucking French movie about that lecherous old fart painting that hot naked chick–have you seen that fucking thing, Christ, is it over yet? Frank’s two new books, Total Mindfu*k and How to Talk to Your Dog About Sex collectively represent his return to print. His musings on sex, dogs and life with chronic pain can be found on HeatandStir.com.