• putin is an ugly motherfucker
    Journal,  Lifestyle

    I Practically Invented FUPA, Goddamnit.

    I guess (because Beyonce says it) we can now lose our shit over our sex fat — rebranded recently as FUPA, meaning Fat Upper Pubic Area. I don’t want to bitch, but I have been actively promoting FUPA awareness for decades. Only back in the day, we called it PUPPS (Pudgy Upper Penis & Pussy Syndrome). “Feed your PUPPS,” I…

  • heat and stir sophie the pug
    Journal,  Pets

    She’s So Cute – I Just Want to Kill Her

    Sometimes, I want to squeeze the shit out of my pet, Sophie. Is it normal that I want to squeeze cute things? “It’s so fluffy, I want to die!” Have you ever found some little furry creature in the petting zoo so cute…that you just want to pinch or maul the little bastard? That’s referred to as cute aggression. As the…

  • Journal,  Lifestyle

    Forgive Me, LBGTQ Community

    During my first pride march, I wore a “breeder” T-shirt…as in I literally painted the word “breeder” on a fucking white undershirt and donned that fucking thing while accompanying my bisexual girlfriend down 5th Avenue on the 25th Anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising. I walked down 5th Avenue, proud of my latest artistic creation, as no one gave the fucking thing…

  • heat and stir tribute to anthony bourdaiin
    Food & Restaurants,  Journal

    So Long, Anthony Bourdain, You Fucker.

    Maybe it should have been obvious — the ever-expanding eye bags, distending and contorting his corrugated, leathery skin. The sleepless, workaholic lifestyle that, despite his incredible success. seemed to thunder away from the self rather than toward something, as if there was too little solace in the now to stay for very long. Too much fucking pain to pause. The…

  • heatandstir-fakenewsfakemorality
    Internet,  Journal

    Forget Fake News, Fake Morality is the Problem

    Walmart, a beacon of corporate immorality, just took Cosmopolitan off their shelves. Apparently, scantily clad women and hot sex tips now count as pornography, and of course pornography is the new fake public health crisis. Congress just passed the FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act) which everyone pretty much agrees won’t help victims of sex trafficking but will seriously curb…

  • heat and stir red-love-heart-valentines
    Journal,  Relationship

    Valentine’s Day Doesn’t Have to Suck

    Whether you’re single, married or coupled-up for several years, Valentine’s Day can just outright suck. The pressure that filters down from all the diamond ads, the store displays, the need to get dinner reservations 3-4 months in advance…it’s pretty much like Christmas with family. And don’t get me wrong, I can love me some Christmas, and of course love my…

  • Ariana Afghan Kabob Restaurant
    Food,  Journal,  Reviews

    Ariana Afghan Kabob Restaurant

    On the exposed brick wall, amidst the tasseled tapestries and hand woven rugs, across from the Free Afghanistan poster, you’ll find her – the iconic National Geographic girl with those haunting green eyes. It’s Wali’s sister. The long time maître d of Ariana Afghan Kebab on 9th Avenue and 52nd Street, Wali is charismatic, charming, and totally full of shit…

  • heat and stir pain 02
    Chronic Pain,  Journal

    Pain in the Side: Blog Series 2

    In a little over a month, I will have a DRG Stimulator implanted in my back with four leads wrapping around my 6th,7th, 10th and 11th thoracic vertebrae. “Where will you park the actual stimulator,” I ask Dr. Kim (the actual stimulator is a little bigger than a box of matches). “We’ll put it just above your sit-bone on your…