• Sex Advice

    How to bite the pillow.

    Before you endeavor to eat your lover’s asshole, reparations are in order. You see, the asshole is a sensitive thing, and you’ve been hurting its feelings your whole life, possibly without knowing it, as if that’s any fucking excuse. The asshole takes a butt-load of criticism, gets a bum rap if you will, mostly for doing a pretty shitty job…

  • putin is an ugly motherfucker
    Journal,  Lifestyle

    I Practically Invented FUPA, Goddamnit.

    I guess (because Beyonce says it) we can now lose our shit over our sex fat — rebranded recently as FUPA, meaning Fat Upper Pubic Area. I don’t want to bitch, but I have been actively promoting FUPA awareness for decades. Only back in the day, we called it PUPPS (Pudgy Upper Penis & Pussy Syndrome). “Feed your PUPPS,” I…

  • heat and stir sophie the pug
    Journal,  Pets

    She’s So Cute – I Just Want to Kill Her

    Sometimes, I want to squeeze the shit out of my pet, Sophie. Is it normal that I want to squeeze cute things? “It’s so fluffy, I want to die!” Have you ever found some little furry creature in the petting zoo so cute…that you just want to pinch or maul the little bastard? That’s referred to as cute aggression. As the…

  • heat and stir mill vanes sex position
    Sex Advice

    The Mill Vanes Position

    The Mill Vanes position, pictured here on the left, also known as the “I’d like to fuck, but also swipe” position, is perfect for the noncommittal Tinder fucker. It says “I’m way into you, yo, well enough to fuck you for sure, but I’d also like to keep swiping left, because there’s probably someone else out there I’d like to…

  • Journal,  Lifestyle

    Forgive Me, LBGTQ Community

    During my first pride march, I wore a “breeder” T-shirt…as in I literally painted the word “breeder” on a fucking white undershirt and donned that fucking thing while accompanying my bisexual girlfriend down 5th Avenue on the 25th Anniversary of the Stonewall Uprising. I walked down 5th Avenue, proud of my latest artistic creation, as no one gave the fucking thing…

  • how to talk to your dog about sex

    How to talk to your dog about sex

    Click here for Updates 07.01.18 Do you have a dog? Have you had sex? Then please, for the love of dog, check your best friend for signs of DOOFUS (Dogs Oversensitive to Owners Fu*king Unabashedly Syndrome). Does Buddy look at you in that “I could use another treat” way? Does Princess only sit reluctantly, on the third or fourth command?…

  • heat and stir tribute to anthony bourdaiin
    Food & Restaurants,  Journal

    So Long, Anthony Bourdain, You Fucker.

    Maybe it should have been obvious — the ever-expanding eye bags, distending and contorting his corrugated, leathery skin. The sleepless, workaholic lifestyle that, despite his incredible success. seemed to thunder away from the self rather than toward something, as if there was too little solace in the now to stay for very long. Too much fucking pain to pause. The…

  • heatandstir-fakenewsfakemorality
    Internet,  Journal

    Forget Fake News, Fake Morality is the Problem

    Walmart, a beacon of corporate immorality, just took Cosmopolitan off their shelves. Apparently, scantily clad women and hot sex tips now count as pornography, and of course pornography is the new fake public health crisis. Congress just passed the FOSTA (Fight Online Sex Trafficking Act) which everyone pretty much agrees won’t help victims of sex trafficking but will seriously curb…