Sex Advice

How to bite the pillow.

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Before you endeavor to eat your lover’s asshole, reparations are in order. You see, the asshole is a sensitive thing, and you’ve been hurting its feelings your whole life, possibly without knowing it, as if that’s any fucking excuse. The asshole takes a butt-load of criticism, gets a bum rap if you will, mostly for doing a pretty shitty job in a crappy part of town. Butt ask yourselves, is it your asshole’s fault that shit happens? Fuck no, I say. And yet the very next time some douchebag cuts you off in traffic, the first word from your lips will inevitably be “asshole.” What did your sphincter ever do to you, save excrete your remnant waste, to deserve such scorn?

If shit smelled like roses, the asshole would be a perfumery, but because we don’t fart flowers, we feel entitled to point fingers? Accepting our eventual demise can start by accepting our everyday decay, understanding that defecating is not only part of life, but essential to life. Our ships of state must offload the ballast lest we drown in our own toxicity. The day you stop taking your (and your lover’s) asshole for granted and accepting, nay celebrating its vital role in our human journey, is the day you can begin to properly stimulate this highly erotic and sensitive orifice.

I can’t pretend that I’ve always been so accepting of my asshole or its functionality, but I took a graduate-level course in asshole appreciation at the Phoenix School of Bullshit I Supposedly Learned Online, and I enjoyed it so much I decided to pursue a PhD. I can’t provide you all the online doctorate-level anal insight I received, but I will try to highlight some of the more salient points of my Doctor of Ass Enlightenment.

Asshole psychologists agree that the best way to get acquainted with your lover’s bumhole is to initiate a dialogue. Set aside some time for a face to cheeks meetup. Now remember, your lover’s butthole, like your own, has spent its whole life being either maligned, taken for granted or sitting on that shitty padded toilet seat you insist provides cushiony comfort (but biologists say has more hidden bacteria than…well a toilet seat), a normal fucking one that you can actually fucking clean properly.

Approach your lover’s asshole in a non-threatening manner, in other words, hide the anal lube and that butt plug for now. Say something like “I’m sorry we don’t get to talk as often as we’d like.” This is a total fucking lie of course, because well, assholes don’t talk, but speaking these words can put your lover’s sphincter at ease, what we Doctors of Ass refer to as the “de-crinkling process,” loosening up all that unnecessary tension.

Tell your lover’s asshole that if it were up to you, you’d make sure they sat on a normal toilet seat that could withstand a real scrubbing, not that vinyl-covered, foam-filled, splitting-at-the-seams petri dish it’s shitting on now. How’d that go? Excellent. You’re building an asshole rapport. Ask your lover’s asshole if it has anything it would like to bring up at this point. Hopefully not.

Whew. That was a close one. I mean no one wants to really deal with anything an asshole has to say or offer, but it’s important to feign open lines of communication. Even though you and I know assholes should never speak, even when spoken to.

This is a good time to apologize to your lover’s asshole for all kinds of shit, like “I’m sorry I took you for granted,” or “I know you can’t help who you are, you’re such an asshole,” and perhaps “You had me at ‘pfffft’.” Now that you’ve established your bunghole bona fides, it’s time to get down to business. Give your lover’s right cheek a hearty slap. Should your lover inquire “hey, what’s that for?” you tell them “you know damn well what that’s for” and slap his or her left buttock. Shocked by this second cheek-blushing reprimand, your lover is now thinking “hmm, maybe I do know what that’s for, perhaps I deserved that.” You’re doing great.

Continue to spank your lover’s bare bottom with intent, building up a nice blush-luster on both cheeks while spouting vague recriminations and bullshit like “I don’t want to have to do this of course,” or “If only you hadn’t made this necessary” and “When you “assume” you make an ass out of you and me.” That last bit should leave your lover thoroughly butt-fuddled. It is time. Like a hot bipolar mess, abandon your punitive spanking and begin to kiss your lover’s flush cheeks, planting soft smacking kisses all over their much-offended buttocks as you wax apologetic “oh my, your poor, innocent bum, it’s so tender and raw.” Gradually introduce your tongue, planting hot, wet swipes in between your continual little kisses.

Tenderly part your lover’s cheeks and swipe your tongue across your lover’s asshole. Begin to swirl your tongue in a counterclockwise fashion, intermittently chanting “Deedle doo deedle dum, this is how we eats your bum.” This is an old Wiccan summoning spell we Doctor’s of Ass swear by; basically it summons harmonious ass-ness while simultaneously banishing evil spirits and flatulence. Whatever you do, for the love of God, don’t swirl your tongue clockwise while intermittently chanting the “deedle dum” spell–you may inadvertently summon the Goddess of Fiber and Regularity. I need not elaborate on the potential consequences of such an act.

Continue to encircle the anus with your tongue as you relieve one hand from cheek-spreading duty. Part your lover’s cheeks with your remaining thumb and fingers as you begin to gently prod and poke your tongue up and into the asshole proper. That’s it, don’t be half-assed, get up in there and fuck that asshole with your hot spit-slippery mouth muscle. With your free hand, begin to masturbate your lover, gently easing a finger or two into her (you know what she likes), or stroking him (he’s so fucking easy to please) as you continue to encircle and penetrate that ass with your hungry tongue.

Keep masturbating your lover as you ply their ass cheeks apart and give their tight, tender little asshole the tongue-fucking it deserves. Pause for a moment to spit audibly on your masturbating hand; say something like “I spit on your need to come, motherfucker.” Apply this “disgusted” spit to your hand and press on, penetrating or stroking as required. Reengage your lover’s sex before they have a chance to process your blatant hypocrisy. “Motherfucker,” incidentally, is a real gaslighter in bed and should provoke some unknown response. Hopefully something hot and sexy, but one never knows, (perhaps let us know).

Now that you’ve established your anilingus credentials, go for the leap of faith. As you continue to drive your lover mad with your steamy, spit-coated tongue diving into their sensitive little asshole, pause all anilingus and masturbation activities momentarily and issue the following command: “I want you to beat yourself off while I continue to eat your little asshole until you come like a motherfucker. Understand? Do it now!” If necessary, take their dominant hand and guide it to their swollen, needy sex while you take their blush-spanked cheeks back into your hands, once again parting them nice and wide as you feast on their vulnerable, little pucker hole.

Your lover is now very close to orgasm, you can hear it in their choppy breath, you can sense it in their belabored moans, you can feel it in their grinding hips as they begin to fuck themselves into your face, taking what they need from you as they diddle themselves with orgasmic resolve. Continue driving your sloppy wet tongue and lips into that asshole, penetrating and exciting all those fabulous nerve endings as you eat that ass. Grab those hips and smash your lover’s asshole onto your intrepid tongue as they rub, yank and prod themselves into glorious, selfish release…coming so fucking hard as they experience that incredible sensation of your generous lips and tongue plunging inside their most intimate orifice, resulting in one of the most explosive orgasms they’ve ever experienced.

Wrap yourself around your lover like a warm tortilla, absorbing the last throes of their ecstasy with your responsive body as you climb atop their still-trembling form, kissing them passionately on their mouth as you remove your underwear and whisper “your turn.”

Also published on Medium.