putin is an ugly motherfucker
Journal,  Lifestyle

I Practically Invented FUPA, Goddamnit.

I guess (because Beyonce says it) we can now lose our shit over our sex fat — rebranded recently as FUPA, meaning Fat Upper Pubic Area. I don’t want to bitch, but I have been actively promoting FUPA awareness for decades. Only back in the day, we called it PUPPS (Pudgy Upper Penis & Pussy Syndrome).

“Feed your PUPPS,” I said…yes, I always fucking said that. Nobody ever listened of course, ignoring this massively underserved syndrome, but now because a recently pregnant Beyonce says “Right now, my little FUPA and I feel like we are meant to be,” everyone suddenly gives a shit? Sometimes life can be so unfair.

As a trained Clinical Body-Positive Sexual Psychologist – whatever the fuck that is, (I got the certificate from the Phoenix School of Bullshit I Supposedly Learned Online), I’ve spent years studying the effects of excess pubic fat on lovemaking. So how does pubic fat affect sex? How do you have sex with a FUPA?Here’s the thing, it’s absolutely imperative for proper lovemaking.However, the lack of FUPA-PUPPS can wreak havoc on haphazard fuckers. Fucked up, right? Like what is this judgmental syndrome that differentiates between lovemaking and an impromptu schtupping…how can the dear Lord who gave us these divine bodies perfectly designed so to tuck so nicely into one another be so cruel as to punish the spur-of-the-moment fucker — is that even fair?As you might expect, the science is incredibly complicated, but it goes like this: enter the dedicated lovemaker, with his or her fancy foreplay (including whispered sweet nothings, subtly smacking soft-butter kisses and spine-tingling caresses). These selfish “I’ve got all day to fuck” motherfuckers with their pre-penetration gamesmanship tend to prime the pubic region, delivering an ample blood supply that further swells and flubberizes the erogenous area into an accepting, gracious state of being…basically a distended welcome mat for a sound, proper fucking. Now the haphazard or improper fucker, having exercised their right to get some on the fly, tend to achieve penetration and even ejaculation (rarely female orgasm unfortunately) before the welcome mat cushions up, leaving the upper coital shelf in flat seltzer mode, deprived of the requisite blood flow necessary to jumpstart the bump.This lack of bump can result in sex-negative outcomes, like the man’s flub-pack fails to distend adequately enough to make contact with his partner’s clitoris during a haphazard fucking… this, by the way, is the number one reason you want to avoid the gym rat with the 6-pack. Well sure, that svelte tummy makes his penis look longer, but the dedication necessary to achieve this advanced state of fitness also might also mean that fit man has little time to spare for your clit’s needs.But it gets worse. The hyper fit-man, so self-satisfied with his own bodyscape, may offer tips on how to improve yours, offering up “awesome reps” you can do in the gym to deflate your FUPA-PUPPS. Resist the body-negative fucker at all costs and embrace your FUPA-PUPPS.Readers; it might not be exactly what Jesus would do, but it’s what Bey-Bey does…even though it feels like she stole that shit from me, the same me who would never, ever advocate on behalf of a little belly roll and denigrate the exceptionally physically fit, just because I’m slightly out of shape and five cans shy of a 6-pack.

Also published on Medium.

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