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Sex Advice

Sex in the Middle Ages: Position 197 – The Spider Monkey Sex Position

Sure it looks simple enough, the woman does a bent-leg headstand, facing away from the man, wrapping her ankles around either side of his waist, while the man, for some fucking reason also facing away from the woman, stands on his tippy toes while thrusting his cock back between his ever-loving ass cheeks and into the upside-down woman. It makes so much fucking sense really… the perfect position for any couple in that “We can’t stand to look at each other anymore, let’s circus-act fuck ourselves into an ER visit” phase of their relationship.

I know what you women are thinking… why are we always upside down or ass-backwards in these fucking Kama Sutra positions, flailing about like Cirque Du Soleil contortionists, while you men stand there like fucking idiots, putting as much effort and strain into fucking as one might waiting for the bus… and of course you’d be right. But dear women, have pity, our stout erections were not meant to bend backwards between our taut, muscular and altogether handsome thighs… the Spider Monkey proves how we nobly suffer in our attempts to please and pierce your sweltering sex in new, uncomfortable and idiotic ways.

Yes, it seems as if we’re just standing there, hailing a cab perhaps, but look again… our cocks don’t face that way dear members of the fairer sex. Is it too much to ask that you wait upside down like a vampire bat, blood rushing to your head and eating floorboards as we fiddle about with our erection, cranking it about like a broken stick shifter as we vie for that perfect not so hard it won’t slip backwards between our ass cheeks, but hard enough to enter your beloved cunt state. Do you realize how hard it is to have a cock? The sacrifices we make as we will our better heads into that perfect state, malleable yet stiff. And yet you complain of dizziness and headache despite our selfless sacrifice?

Women, let’s say your man has the audacity to suggest this fuck injury waiting to happen… unless your man has a Lysol can for a cock or would like to undergo penis reassignment surgery, having that fucker sewn over his asshole, might I suggest that you agree under one condition: that you go out and buy a double headed dong and shove one end up his asshole, because in the real world, that’s the only way this fucking Aero-flop plane gets off the ground.

Also published on Medium.