Sex Advice

Cunnilingus Techniques 201

For this advanced course you will need your own vagina – well okay, not your own hopefully unless you’re a fucking contortionist… you will need your willing partner’s vagina. You can practice on a replica vagina if you’d like – one of those rubber molds they might sell at a porn shop that looks like someone used garish lipstick to color in the labia (not that I would know of course). Okay now that you have your willing partners vagina, kiss it. End of lesson.

But Frank, you say, how is that advanced? What the fuck am I even taking this course for and why does my replica vagina taste like ass. Well what the fuck do I know – maybe the replica asshole tastes like pussy… as for the rest of it… it’s complicated. See “201: Advanced Class” above. Not to be confused with a walk in the park, successfully kissing the vagina is not a beginner’s technique; it’s advanced as hell.

For your partner to reap the benefits of this technique it’s best if you have established some sort of prior connection, you know her sensitivities, preferences and hot buttons… that kind of shit. If you’re kissing replica vagina, make sure she’s had a couple of stiff margaritas and just ask her what the fuck she likes… oh and be careful – higher proof Tequila can erode her labia paint.

Now that we’ve covered the preliminaries, are you ready for your lesson: the key to kissing your lover’s vagina to mind-blowing orgasm is to not kiss it like a vagina. As in Do Not kiss her pussy like it’s a pussy. Kiss her cunt like you would her mouth. Do not French kiss her pussy. Keep you’re goddamn tongue to yourself on this one, trust me. The dividends are huge. And for fuck sake if you’re a goddamn UFC kisser, (as in you grapple the shit out of your victim’s mouth) lay the fuck off.

Work your way down her body with warm little kisses. As you approach the promised land, skip the fuck over it and start at one of her feet. Methodically kiss your way up her leg until you’re in breathing distance of her now aching vulva. Let her suffer. Proceed back down to the other foot, taking each individual toe into your mouth, sucking them lovingly, with orgasmic intent. Work your way up her leg and you’re ready… unless she has 3 legs anyway. If you’re kissing replica pussy, she’s got no fucking legs. Skip all this shit and go right for the clit… replica pussy has no interest in foreplay.

Softly, gently, sweetly kiss your lover’s cunt like you might give her a peck on the mouth before parting. Continue to kiss her labia and clit in this manner. No tongue. What makes this technique maddening is the expectation of the tongue. Don’t give in. Continue to kiss, gently, lovingly.

As you hear your lover’s breathing reach that fevered pitch, you may now lightly suck in her lips and clit and nibble. No tongue however. Continue your kisses until your partner is in the throes of orgasmic bliss before sticking your tongue right up her cunt and swabbing her juices up and over her aching clit. You will blow her mind. And for you replica pussy eaters, well, you will blow her PCB’s I guess. Or maybe her melamine if she’s made in China. Good luck with that.

I’d really like to continue this lesson, but it’s late and Irene is reaching into my Tommy Hilfiger’s and playing with my cock. It’s actually pretty fucking distracting, in the best possible way of course.

Class dismissed.

Photo Credit: pexels.com